DAY ONE[/color][/size][/center]
Kitano loved watching himself.
The first episode of the fourth season of Phalla Royale was about to air, and he had to make sure that the guys in post-production had gotten everything right. After all, the tech guys were using some fancy new algorithm to airbrush out the wrinkles in his skin and touch up his rapidly thinning and graying hair, in an effort to get the results out to the clients as soon as possible. Shoving the Betamax tape of the final cut in to the VCR, Kitano flipped the on-switch of the dolly-mounted Television and pressed play.
<WHAT THE FUCK!> Kitano ranted, starting in Japanese and ending in a pidgin mix, with English thrown in for effect.
“Domo, Domo,” a startled technician begged, wheezing from the dash he had made to reach his boss. <That is the version before the anti-aging filters were added. Here is the final version.> handing Kitano a azure-tinted disk. <You can use the Blu-Ray player over here to watch it.>
<The... uh... Playstation 3?>
<Uh... Yeah.>
Kitano sighed as he waved away the young-looking editor. Things were so much easier before all of this digital nonsense.
Though he had to admit, he did look good, and in high resolution too! So that’s where all the extra budget expenditures went to. Maybe all of this technology wasn’t so bad after all.
On the flat-screen, his handsome alter-ego had just finished up the new opening and after he fast-forwarded through the theme song, (A Jap-Pop version of The Final Countdown) the highlights of the day begin to roll, with Kitano narrating and poking fun at the losers. Some of the producers had thought the show should try to emulate the American version of Takeshi’s Castle, Most Extreme something something or other, so he threw in a few wisecracks here and there.
“First blood in this season is a toss-up, between Squashua and Freeagent.” The Screen flashes to a standoff between the two, both pointing crossbows at each other.
Squashua: Do you feel lucky? Punk?
Freeagent: What the hell are you talking about?
Squashua: Say “what” one more time motherfuck–
Freeagent: Goddammit, this is annoying.
*Twang* *Twang*
Both
Squashua[/color] and
Freeagent[/color] fall to the ground, dead with crossbow bolts through their foreheads.
“I believe the correct term here is... doublekill,” quips Kitano.
The camera shifts to a treetop view of Infidel, running for cover and dodging bullets, weaving through tree trunks.
“I guess this speedy one got away,” Kitano remarks, as Infidel is seen hiding behind a particularly thick pine and catching his breath.
“Guess again!,” he narrates, as Marshmallow steps out from the shadows with a handgun pointed directly at
Infidel[/color], who quite visibly pees his pants before being blown away.
“As many viewers will notice, we’re broadcasting in Hi-Defenition. That wet spot on the leg of his pants should be clear and crisp.”
“Now for something different. It’s not only high-definition we’ve perfected for this new season.”
The scene shifts to Precisionk, standing behind a concrete wall, and cautiously peeks over, to see a bloody melee. He pulls out a grenade, and lobs its over the wall.
“Here is goes,” Kitano gleefully exclaims, as suddenly the camera shifts to the grenade’s point of view.
“Yes, we’ve installed special gyroscopically stabilized cameras in all the grenades used this season.”
The mottled explosive flies true through the air, and lands in the middle of the fray, blowing back all the combatants in a mighty explosion. When the smoke clears,
Munkus Beaver and
Chrono792[/b] lie dead, face down in the mud, with the other fighters scattered to the winds with various shrapnel wounds.
“Now, this next scene is truly extraordinary, only occurring twice before in Phalla Royale history - the famous Triplekill!”
The camera shows Rend and Obbi making out passionately in the middle of a grassy field, when Darkprimus stumbles upon them.
“What the hell! That’s my girlfriend you douchebag!” he screams, leveling his weapon and letting out a roar before rushing them.
The scene pauses, and Kitano’s voice is heard. “Now watch, very closely.”
Just as the scene unpauses a hail of bullets rains from offscreen to the left, and
Rend, Obbi, and
Darkprimus are all cut down in the storm of lead.
Psycholarry1 walks up on camera, looks down at the corpses, and starts laughing hysterically, then walks off, wiping away a tear from the irony of the entire situation.
“We don’t have all the time in the world, so we’re going to show the next few quickly,” Kitano points out.
The Benny Hill theme plays.
Seta 3000 has his brains blown out at a distance by Green, who walks onscreen to examine his kill. The scene is replayed in slow motion, with a digital pen showing the trajectory of the bullet, much like an instant replay in a football game.
Robothero[ is at work planting an explosive in the side of a rocky hill, the camera up in his face. His eyes go wide, and he falls forward, with a pickaxe embedded in his back. IamTheAznMan plants his boot on Robothero’s back, and wedges the bloody pickaxe out of the dead bombmaker.
“Now’s the time you’ve all been waiting for! Yes, it’s time for the vote, and today’s winner is....
The screen quickly flashes between all of the living students, while the jeopardy theme plays, before finally settling on...
B:L“No! No! No!” Screams B:L.
Suddenly, he screams: “A Man chooses! A slave obe–“ as he sprints to a nearby cliff and leaps off, only to explode in midair in a bloody crescendo of fire.
“Well, that was interesting, says Kitano. That’s almost all the time we have for today, but we’ve saved the best for last. You’ll just have to see it to believe it.
The camera focuses closely on Thorgot, who charges Dee Kae with his Katana, Dee Kae armed only with a laptop. The camera focuses very close on the blade of the sword, which swipes in for the kill.
Only to be stopped by nothing less than a plastic spork from offscreen.
“Gotcha,” sayd Dee Kae, who taps a key on his laptop, and
Thorgot’s collar explodes.
“Now, let’s slow that down,” narrates Kitano.
The image grinds to a halt and moves frame by frame. Just as Dee Kae taps the button though, the camera suddenly changes for a split second and displays a message.
THE SPECTRUM FIVE WILL ALWAYS STAND BRIGHT IN THE FACE OF INJUSTICE
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Results:[/size]
The dead:RobotheroThorgotB:LSeta 3000SquashuaFreeagentInfidelMunkus BeaverChrono794RendObbiDarkprimusNew Information![/color][/size]
Zones 4 and 6 are closing tomorrow, anyone left in them will be killed.
